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Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Time:7:23 pm.
I think i'm going to revive this.

But it's going to be strictly a clothing journal now. I managed to avoid the fashion bug for 2 years due to lack of funds.

I still lack funds but I lost my will!

Besides, I moved my journal-journal somewhere else.

Aaaaaaaaand GO!
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Friday, December 29th, 2006

Time:11:28 am.

Favorites Survey
SongToo many
FoodChicken fingers
SportWii sports!
DrinkRev, sour apple martinis
Ice CreamChocolate peanut butter
BandToo many
MovieDogma, maybe?
AnimalPersian kitties :(
Item of ClothingThat is like asking me to pick my favourite child.
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

Subject:15 pleasant things I've learned about Winnipeg...
Time:8:31 pm.
Mood: bored.
15. Do not have sex in Winnipeg... even if it's with someone you know and have brought here. There could be a disease waiting in a bed somewhere for you. SURPRISE!!!!

14. You can't get a bagel toasted at 2 o clock in the afternoon on a Saturday at a Tim Hortons. The sandwich bar is closed.

13. If you need a blood transfusion in Winnipeg, don't worry -- everyone has the same blood type... Type A-ALCOHOL.

12. There are lots of bugs, and they are all big and scary.

11. They are known for a lot of things that "suck" -- Mosquitos, Slurpees, Women...

10. Coincidentally, it is also known for major blowing! And not just the ladies -- it's the windiest city in Canada. Yet, we have not had much of that this week.

9. There's a hooters right by the airport! We weren't allowed to go for breakfast. :(

8. The sidewalks roll up at 4 o clock in the afternoon and the city is CLOSED.

7. The streets explain themselves -- one is called "Confusion Corner".

6. All the one way streets go in the same direction... hopefully the hell out of this city.

5. Unlike Toronto, where you can walk down the street in a Santa costume and not be looked at twice, wear some geisha and chinese gear around the city (for the anime festival) and the loud, "friendly manitoba" comments come a-rollin'...

4. Apparently the immigration rate is going up here just like Toronto. Hey, just ask all one of them!

3. If you plan on visiting here for longer than 24 hours, pick up a PSP, DS or other handheld gamestation -- YOU WILL THANK ME FOR THIS SUGGESTION.

2. We were warned several times by our aunt and her husband to stay away from a place called "The Zoo", so naturally, we went. It's about as scary as a petting zoo.

1. DJ (shouting): GO HOME AND HAVE SEX!
Kaitlin: With your brother!
Michelle (shouting): ONLY IN WINNIPEG!!!

I've been here 6 days, got 2 more to go. I'd happily take a bullet to the face right about now.

I can't wait to come back!!!
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Monday, June 12th, 2006

Time:3:12 pm.

I may or may not colour this. It was intended as a thank you/anniversary gift to the bf, but I don't think he's wild about it. Oh well -- I thought it was cute.
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Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Subject:Documentation of Joy
Time:5:49 pm.
Mood: geeky.
These are fifty six times cooler than Kinder Eggs... I bring, Kinder JOY!

On to the excitement...Collapse )
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Wednesday, June 7th, 2006

Subject:I went to Germany and all I got was this lousy cancer.
Time:2:49 am.
Mood: tired.
My baggage is still in Frankfurt. :(

Monday, May 22nd, 2006

Subject:PERKOCET sucks.
Time:7:19 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
May used to be my favourite month -- not any more. I can't wait for it to be over... but I've gotten through the worst of it so far.

This is the first time in a week I've even been able to look at a computer for longer than 2 minutes.

I have a nice list of VERY deep rooted fears I've somehow faced (and in some places slightly overcome) in the span of 2 weeks:

1. Doctors & needles (yes I have piercings, no it doesn't make sense)
2. Dentists (especially when you're not COVERED by ANY insurance... I have $16 to my name and I owe more than I even want to think about.)
3. Throwing up

I've been dealing with exTREME pain for several years... but dealing with excrutiating, mind-numbing pain was easier than facing it. My fear runs so deep they fully recommended that I be knocked complely unconcious -- which in itself I found to be terrifying as well.

Facing doctors (a new one at that) to assure that I was well enough to undergo general, which involved more appointments and needles just to prepare to get my mouth ripped apart. Jeezus :P I actually like my new doctor, though. :) That's good!

But the biggest fear I hold (held) is finding out what is wrong with me. I expect the WORST to the utmost unhealthy proportions. Turns out my teeth weren't half as bad as I thought they were, and not only do I *not* have a life threatening disease -- I'm pretty damned healthy!!! I'm quite low on iron and b12 (which explains a helluva lot of things) but I can have that fixed up and back to normal by the end of the year with 32984 more pills. Sweet deal!!! I won't be as cold any more, should mellow out the stress a little, feeling should return to my extremities, I won't be as lethargic and I'll have higher stamina and be able to breathe again. You mean I coulda fixed all this so long ago relatively painlessly? Man alive... I really am my own worst enemy.

So yes, the surgery wasn't too fun but it wasn't too horrible compared to afterwards. I woke up convulsing and unable to speak, but slowly wrapping up the game of Chuzzle I was playing in my head. (www.popcap.com -- great game!)

The absolute worst part of recovering has been malnutrition and getting absolutely no sleep when I've needed it most. I haven't eaten a meal in almost 6 days and I'm sucking down enough pills to feed an army (heh). I already don't sleep, but for some reason -- pills that are supposed to make you drowsy, keep me awake even more. You'd think a few good doses of perkocet and gravol would knock one out... NOPE!!!

I'm REALLY HUNGRY!!! I was 110lbs last week, I don't even want to know what I am THIS week. :( :(

I also feel extreme guilt when I need to be taken care of. How I'm going to pay my mom and my boyfriend back for putting up with my sorry ass, I have no idea. They took intervals. :) They really went out of their way to know I was looked after at all times.

So, one more dental appointment this week, a weeks worth of work to catch up on (which is about 100 hours to squeeze into a few days) then it's my BIRTHDAY. I would like to erase this one completely. I seriously want nothing more than a card made of construction paper and macaroni.

AND I DID ALL THIS JUST so I could go to Germany next month pain free. The trip has been a blessing -- without it, I'd still be back at square one. Though, I was already in the hole quite a bit before being faced with a $6-$8000 dental bill. Just gotta chip away at it and try to put my life back together over the next while. Though really, I'd really just like to cry a whole lot. :> Won't get me anywhere, though... bleh!

So Wave-Gotik-Treffen is my reward for pulling through, thanks to my godsend of a boyfriend and parents. I just hope I can actually enjoy it instead of feeling guilt upon guiltttt. But I fully plan on enjoying every second of puting my weight back on by eating much sausages and german mcdonalds cocktails!!! Mmmm... Fischmäc! (Adventurous, I know!)

...All in all -- I didn't even throw up. :)
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Friday, March 10th, 2006

Subject:Why write?
Time:3:46 pm.
Mood: creative.
Why write when I can drawwwwrrwrrwr.

Maybe I will have a sketchbook journal! Spend a few minutes drawing pretty clothes intead of the few minutes it takes to BUY pretty clothes... helluva lot cheaper, that's for sure. Probably less time consuming, too.

Yee! We'll see how long this lasts. :PPPP

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Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

Time:12:36 pm.
Ughhh... I am just itching to draw/paint. I have a brilliant concept in my head (among others), but something I am SO in the mood for and need to get out. Too much work to do. :( Only 2 days left to cram in another weeks worth of stuff... moan bitch moan! <3 ...More of a reminder.

My bank account is feeling a little used and withdrawn, lately. Poor thing! I'll feed you later! *hug*

I loathe wearing glasses. My eyes are angry. >_<

Drivers liscence renewal! Finally... I can get rid of that horrid, horrid picture which was taken on literally no sleep (up 30+ hours) and after a church breakfast. Man, was that fun... really! Best apple fritters I've ever had in my life, and my sister and I had to painfully stifle a laughing fit at the poor young girls singing 'Amazing Grace' horrifyingly off key (each in a different key, no doubt!) Ahhh, fun.

Friday, February 17th, 2006

Subject:Mmm... stinks so good!
Time:1:17 pm.
Mood: dorky.
Tide laundry detergent with Downy smells just like candy. I highly reccommend it.

I also despise Rogers. Not only have they given me 293847 debilitating problems, NOW they've taken away my usenet...

WHYYYYYY!! RAPTURE!!!! Even though apparently only 3% of people on Rogers were using Usenet to begin with, one has to pay for their good-for-nothing service and another 15 some odd dollars for secondary provider usenet service as well? Give me a break...

I ordered 3 pieces of clothing online last week. I think I ordered ALL of them a size too big... I just wanted to build stamina, not lose weight. Grr...

But candy smelling detergent makes me happy. :) :) :)

And Britney Spears' perfume smells like the carnival. I couldn't imagine ever wearing it but I feel so very inclined to spray it on a sample-stick and walk around with it up to my face every time I walk into a Shoppers Drug Mart.
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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Subject:Procrastinunction, what's your function...
Time:3:41 pm.
Mood: refreshed.
Ok I know some parts are still skrewy but I no longer have to look at pink. Perhaps I should get to doing some actual work.... nrrrrr. Haven't written in a while so might as well throw up a real entry.

So, my mom reminds me to check my guestbook once in a while because there are so many cool people who like to write in it:

Name: Fankach
Homepage URL: http://sas.chlahbia.org
Where did you find this page?: DeviantArt
Comments: Well you did an effort, but it's not enough...
Maybe you should forget about Death a little bit and try to explore the wonderful fact to reflect on in LIFE...
Good Luck...
May peace and Mercy of ALLAH go Upon you
Sunday, January 8th 2006 - 02:49:30 PM

Well, shit. :( I better go and remove all the DEATH on my website.... give me 2 seconds here... OK ALL GONE. Phew... that was quick! Thank Allah there wasn't any there to begin with or that might have actually taken some effort!

I love people. :) They are so freakin' weird...

In other (exciting) news, the cats have gotten into my yarn again and there is a nice million-foot trail leading through all 3 floors of the house. I'd spank 'em but they kinda like that. >_<

I hate decisions. Usually I get faced with some bigger ones sporadically, but this week has been insane. I've got like 4 or 5 windows of opportunity and it's freezing me up. It seems like the rewards of doing better work are just harder places... gah. ;) OH HOW PITIFUL, I know! I'll quit my whinin'.

I want to play DDR! :( :( :( I think I'm ok now. :( It's a win-win situation... If I further skrew up my leg then I CAN'T SKI THIS WEEKEND. Ono! ;) I can sit on my butt, have some super-hot hot chocolate and eat melty pieces of orange-chocolate that have been dipped inside, picking up bits of whipped cream with red sparkle dotties that they put in the Starbucks fancy-pants coffees.

Maybe I'll go do that now. THEN get to work.

I should be 180 pounds. Thank you, genes.

Time:1:00 am.
Layout is a mess right now and probably will be for a few days... still working on it. New year... tired of looking at pink. My limited understanding of LJ code makes for temporary sucking. :)

Muscle tear = ice + bed, now. Mmm...
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Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Time:3:31 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
I very rarely do this kinda thing but this was neat!

Handwriting Analysis

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a social person who likes to talk and meet others.
You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.
You are not very reserved, impatient, self-confident and fond of action.
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

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Friday, November 25th, 2005

Time:4:59 pm.
Mood: ditzy.

Busy weekend coming. :)

Still like pie.

Hot apple pie with cold apple-pie-vanilla-ice-cream and a super-hot cup of butter caramel (it's freaking butterscotch, just call it freaking butterscotch!!) smoothee from Timmies.

And noodles. Poor Ian!
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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005

Subject:Retarded thought for the day...
Time:1:20 pm.
Mood: weird.
I'm sitting here having a quick lunch, and this Madonna video comes on. I'm watching it and just thinking about how absolutely unoriginal she has become in her age. Half her charm, IMO, was her never-ending reinventions. It kept her interesting. Perhaps she is just getting old... settled, who knows. Regardless, I don't have to find her entertaining any more.

But anyway, I was reminded of an interview I watched with her not very long ago. She stated that one of her favourite things to do is just have fun, dance... and the importance of it and the music. She also made a quick quip of how she doesn't know how anyone dances to anything OTHER than dance... but whatever.

But I'm watching her dance in her video and she's just so... bland. Robotic, boring... disengaging. I then wonder if she's just "getting old"... but am soon to recall that Kylie Minogue is probably about the same age and still has some amazing appeal.

Low and behold, the next video was Kylie Minogue. That "la la la" song... don't know what it's called, don't pay much attention. But I just can't turn away from watching it... I find her absolutely captivating... she ooooo-oozes with personality. Oh Madonna, what happened to you!

Not that I even LISTEN to or pay much attention to this kinda stuff, but... just popped in my head is all.

I also saw that Bif Naked did a cover of "Nothing Else MAtters" by Metallica? Hahaha... "cute". She does an alright job (again, not that I really cared for the song in the first place) and even gives it a nice, soft, pretty-feminine edge to it... but that twist on the song doesn't seem to carry out for the chorus and ends up sounding completely lacking... kills it completely. Bland bland blaaaand.

IMO, is all. :)

Friday, September 30th, 2005

Subject:You know you're addicted when...
Time:8:08 am.
Mood: anxious.
I dreamt last night that I got negative feedback from Trent Reznor on eBay. I apparently bought a video from him that had to be tranferred via the internet, and he decided to send it on the weekend, in which I wasn't even around. He said that I was unresponsive and the send time was atrocious -- like a 14.4 baud modem. I first started with a neutral right back at him, and he bombarded me with negatives. I don't even remember BUYING the damned thing! Why Trent? I have no freaking idea...

I also bought a package from some couple somewhere, but the payment was an exchange of a see-through plastic skirt that had to be delivered to them within 7 days! I'm freaking out because I don't HAVE this item to send, nor do I even remember buying in the first place. But that's irrellevant because it's a dream and you go -- well, I must have done it! These things don't arrive for no reason!

...I really need to have someone block eBay from my computer. NO!@ Please don't!!!!
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Friday, September 23rd, 2005

Subject:Cute generator thing :)
Time:8:28 am.
Mood: restless.

LJ Interests meme results

  1. anime:
    Not into it as much as I used to be. Apparently there is a 'maturity' thing with anime, and... I get that. But, I still very much appreciate it. The attention to detail and the creativity around some of these characters is astoundingly cool. Plus, do they ever know how to set up a shot, portray emotion... etc. (In your better ones, anyway).

  2. clubbing:
    MMMMM... Ever since I have had ID, my love has not given up. I adore an opportunity to let loose, and this is my absolute favourite one.

  3. dark:
    ...Well? Everyone has some sort of affinity for the dark in whichever form. I happen to quite like most of them. Always have, likely always will.

  4. digital painting:
    I do this. Much less messy, far more opportunity for experimentation. And I luuuuvs me some experimentation! ;)

  5. electronica:
    It's fast, it's freaky, it's catchy, it's crazy, it makes my bum move. What's not to like?

  6. industrial:
    See above, except it gets bonus points for being darker. I just like it that way. Unfortunately, this list didn't generate EBM... probably for the better. This would be a very, very long sentence.

  7. music:
    Again, see above. I have music playing at every single opportunity possible. Perhaps that has something to do with the whole 'stimulus junkie' thing... Except when going to sleep at night. Music will wholeheartedly keep me awake. Hear it, make it, play it, live it, move it, breathe it.

  8. survivor:
    YAAAY! I am the last of my kind around here to enjoy this show. I don't care how many seasons in it is, I have watched from the start and I will watch until the end. GO STEPHENIE!

  9. playstation:
    PSP! PSP!!! Sony, how do I love thee -- let me count the ways... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 24, 8, 99, 3304, 999949949.

  10. queen st w:
    I practically lived there this summer. It makes my bank account feel like a prostitute.

    Queen: *slap*
    Account: *cry*
    Queen: Oh, baby I'm sorry... you know I love you, right?

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.


Subject:Ms. A; you beautiful, bi-polar bitch.
Time:4:02 am.
Mood: weird.
Goodbye summer. :( Goodbye 24/7 skirts...

Though I must say, it was a fantasticly wonderful summer. Hot to the nth degree, lots of Queen St. shopping, clubbing and sit-down meals... Old friends, new friends, friends hookin' up... Cottages, degrassi... SUMMER CLOTHES. :D Couldn't have been any better.

It's quite nippy this morning and I'm already getting that feeling that I get every year in Autumn. It's overwhelmingly strange ... the best way I could describe it is 'falling in love with the wrong person'. It feels lovely but slightly painful at the same time. This has been ongoing for the past 10 years (perhaps earlier, but that is as far as I can remember)... I'm still trying to pinpoint where it comes from. Perhaps I analyze it too much... but I also wonder because every autumn, the same memories drudge up. I ignore them and think of better ones. Thankfully, last autumn had many and is making it pretty easy.

HALLOWE'EN!!! The tiny, wonderful treasure that softens the painful blow of around-the-corner Christmas. Is September over, yet? Summer is gone, so WHY are you still HERE?!
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Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Subject:Thought for the day...
Time:9:55 am.
Mood: crazy.
The day I create a super-strong, crazy-intricate house from my BUM, is the day I might appreciate spiders.
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Friday, July 15th, 2005

Subject:Hold me!
Time:6:28 am.
Mood: crazy.
It's hard to read Warren's journal entries then feel like I have anything remotely interesting to say. ;)

Let's see... yesterday, Kitty kept stealing my wool and I trapped a fly on my desk with a water bottle cap.

Mmhmmm... yep. I think that about covers it.

Oh, the excitement! Hold me!
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Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Subject:All around new ...
Time:7:11 am.
Mood: anxious.
I can't sleep -- drinking Rooibos tea and watching Saved by the Bell... just finished watching the end of the Wedding Planner and all of 50 First Dates... Just.can't.sleep! So perhaps it might make me feel better to get a bit out of my system.

Another weekend that was over before it started. A bit of a stressor -- Friday I was stressed about sleeping, Saturday I was stressed about plans and Sunday I was stressed about the fact it was Sunday and it was time to start thinking about my week again.

Exciting, nonetheless... but all this new news has made me beyond anxious. I'm paralyzed with fear but I will hopefully soon get over it. I wouldn't have it any other way and I've got to be the luckiest person on the planet right now, but... still. I can't shake the nervousness and besides the fact that I slept too late in the afternoon on Sunday, I'm really tired and have been for hours... just... can't sleep!

Saturday was interesting in the fact that we had a family event of drinking downtown. Slightly surreal, a little bizarre but kinda cool nonetheless. Ian and I took off around 12ish and brought out my sister and her boyfriend to Velvet and Savage... ha! It was fun... though incredibly short. We musn't have gotten there until 12:30 or something rediculous like that. I'm glad we went, though... but my sister and I kept my parents waiting and waiting... I think it's okay, though. I'm sure it's fine. I have yet to talk to my sister and find out how the way home was.

I desperately want to see the end of Spiderman 2... I may have to get my sister to bring it home from blockbuster, or I could (should) wait for next weekend and watch the rest on Ian's PSP... just because I can. That little machine is an overwhelming abundance of awesome in a disgustingly tiny little package. Thankfully he was sleeping last night when I was using it so I could spare him the vision of me making out with a little flat black box.


Still not tired. BlAR.

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Subject:monday monDAY MONDAY!
Time:6:46 pm.
Rediculous -- it's Monday and my initial reaction is to freak out and be completely anxious.

Truth of the matter is, it's Monday. There's a lot of tasks lined up but rationally, I can do it all. Ree-lax!

PROJECT RUNWAY is on tonight and I love this show. It's taken a place up with Model. XD

If I can accomplish everything I want to accomplish today then I'm ahead of the game.

I'm really just trying to convince myself here, I think. :/ I'm actually so relieved to have gotten some stuff out of the way on the weekend... just makes for a less stressful week. I still got to play and de-stress so it's good. Unfortunately I don't think I've made everyone happy lately ... I've been stressing so mucho n these paintings that I'm not up to par with the website(s) ... it's like I'm just trying to 'get through' with them and it's appearing to be half-assed, maybe? I don't think she's too happy... frankly I don't really blame her. I feel awful...

But I'm getting great reviews on the rest of the work, so it's tough! Elated on one end but completely on the polar opposite end of the scale on the other... retarded. :P

Am I neglecting the world...?

Honestly, I really hope I can look back at all this one day and go -- you were such a freaking basketcase... thank god THAT'S over!

We'll see. :)

Thursday, April 21st, 2005

Subject:sick is the one who adores me
Time:6:04 pm.
Mood: crappy.
oh boy.

this week I have felt horrible. It feels like my body is just quitting before everything else does. I don't have the strength for these days right now. :(

I really need to figure out how to relieve anxiety throughout the week as well... I'm not bitchy or upset or anything but I'm just tense, anxious, exhausted... the tea is supposed to help that but my stomach is going haywire and this whole sleeping at night bit isn't happening.

Let's hope it's just the tea that is the problem.

I feel like a complete failure today. :/ This week... these projects are so freaking hard.

All the more reason to push through.

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

Time:11:21 pm.
Mood: calm.
Ah... neglect!

A) I haven't even a spare second most of the time.

B) Watching a box of hair grow is probably more relevant than half the crap I have to say.

How many times can I record, 'I'm busy!'. Good grief.

All I have to say is Rooibos tea is very exciting. :D

And it was 26C today. :D

And my shoulder kills. D:

...Go go exhausting ass painting #2. :( I like her I think...

Monday, April 11th, 2005

Time:8:08 am.
Mood: sad.

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

Subject:[ + / + ]
Time:1:06 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
I am so freaking accomplished.

Been at it since 4 this morning, have more to turn in, able to get to the rest earlier than I had thought. I think I'll actually have -everything- finished today! Well, caught up anyway...

Just the thing that sucks is tomorrow will just come with a helluva lot more to do. :( I NEED TO DO menial things like laundry 'n crap. :(

But I just wanted to note that I feel NICE! Tired as hell, but good. :) 9 hours down, probably another 6 or 7 to go. Survivor, apprentice, DEATH. Mmm... death.

This wasn't meant to be entertaining, thanks.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Subject:[ + / - ]
Time:2:38 am.
Mood: stressed.
I need to take this battery and put two plus charges on it.

It's like I'm never happy, no matter what I do! I do well, I'm still nervous as hell. I don't get it.

I am realizing as of late that sitting at a computer 24/7 is really starting to take a toll on my physical energy. I gotta get ready for spring/summer. WHERE IS THE TIME?

So...close... to having... new VNV...! No more 2 minute snippets, ghah!

Anyway, so far everything is a success. Aside from my sanity. :>

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I will do this, and I'll do it damned well.

Really nothing else to report... I haven't felt this tense in... well, I don't even know if I ever have. I dug this hole and I will find the friggin' light. FRIGGIN' light! :D

It's wednesday and i have 16 hours. 16. I can do a lot in 16. 16. I keep saying 16 even though time has passed. 16. 20. 16. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 switch. <--- ye-ah...

I miss people. They do more for your sanity then you realize.

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Time:10:44 am.
Mood: complacent.
I decided I would like a mini-break.

I'm enjoying painting but I still have an assload to get done today. I have until tomorrow to have some posters done and I was up all night making updates.

Doesn't look like I'm going to get even a smidge of sleep today.

I've definately taken on too much this time. Thank god it's only Tuesday, though... even though it's sorta-kinda my Wednesday... so I get a little anxious feeling like it's a day ahead then it actually is.

Hell, I launched a site a day before the deadline because of it last week! Can't be too terrible. :)

Lately, I have been in a state of impatience and thought. I am tired of arguing with people who are so closed-minded and quick to blame 'circumstance'. Yeah -- circumstance created by YOU! I'm tired of half-assed opinions, limited effort and watching people walk around with their eyes tightly shut. I'm sick of excuses and/or laziness. Sick sick sick.

I feel weird because I feel good -- I'm busting my ass and reaping personal rewards. The workload and stress has gotten higher but, as I sometimes do, do not feel angry. I've lost even more weekend lately but I guess I've learned to use that short time and really friggin' de-stress. Who knows?

But in the same vein, I feel kinda awful. I've lost touch, and the first place I look towards when something is 'out of sorts' in my life is myself... and I know that I've just had a huge lack of time but I'm doing all of this for the greater good. I know I get mad at those who point the finger away and play the blame game but I don't know if it's all me, here.

I think i've just been given up on. Can't say I blame anyone but that's pretty crappy.

Oh well -- back to painting. Painting == happy. I == friggin' cold! BRRRRR.

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Subject:Burning Innocence...
Time:4:10 pm.
Mood: working.
Another day, another site launch. Another day of sleep deprivation. I really, really wish we didn't need to sleep. The only time I want to sleep is to pass time when I'm bored.

Just taking a break, now... I've clocked 14hrs today so far with a teeny nap. Still an assload to do and then I need to switch mindframes in a couple of hours.

I honestly can't get past the fact that it's only the 30th. Since my internal clock is so skrewed, I actually had the site done a day early. I swore it was the 31st today... can't complain, I guess?

Yesterday I was in complete limbo to realize it was Tuesday and not Wednesday. This almost shattered my reality... It wasn't one of those 'oh, really?' moments... it was a 'It absolutely can't be and my existence makes absolutely no sense right now.'


Um... I think the most exciting thing that has happened this week thus far is the decaptitated/de-limbed bird the kitties brought me. Awww...

My sister left a bunch of photographs lying out and I looked at them when I was re-heating my coffee. There is one where I am holding a boogie (glideR)... man I miss them! :( :( :~~~(

Why in the hell did I call them boogies?! ...Never thought about it before.

MUMMY brought me the drawing tools I was talking about a few days ago! <3 <3 ... Going to be doing a lot of artwork in the next month... hopefully two. :D It'll be nice to get back to something traditional... try something new on for size. Then probably try to incorporate it into digital... we'll see. There really is no program that can exactly replicate a pencil on paper, even with my intuos2 tablet straight from the skies of heaven.

Monday, March 21st, 2005

Subject:Spring, I hate you.
Time:7:39 am.
Mood: tired.
When do we get to lose an hour of sleep. :/ Rarr...

Ok so just for the record -- the thursday that we went out for my sister and cousin's birthday was... erm... okay I guess. No St. Patties for us, unfortunately... there's always next year. We had dinner at an italian restaurant somewhere on King. Nothing to write home about except that the dessert was heaven -- Peanut Butter Chocolate Truffle... ohmmm...

Chocolate cake + chocolate mousse + peanut butter mousse + crunchie bar pieces = harmonious death resulting in heaven.

Unfortunately I hate strawberry crap and they drizzled it all over the bottom so I had to eat around it and missed out on a lot of the cake layer. Tch... Anyway, as for seeing Mamma Mia, I will admit, I very much enjoyed the first hour even despite the crappy ass mood I was in (which had nothing to do with going, just that day itself). When intermission was over I was happy to sit down and watch the conclusion...

Eh, it lost its novelty at that point. It was no longer energetic, the wrapping up of the story was pretty frickin' lame... complete let-down. Oh well. Apparently it's on its last run so it didn't hurt to go. The 1h30 bus ride home wasn't anything I was looking forward to either but I took the opportunity to vent my frustrations to my mother so that was nice.

Am I over all of it? Not really but... what can you do.

Very short weekend. :( I made (ok asked nicely! ...ok WHINED to) Ian to plug in the SNES so we could play Super Mario World! IT IS FUN!!!! I ended up staying up 'til close to 6am playing because I couldn't sleep but well made up for it in the afternoon. Had a chill afternoon and was happily surprised to make a trip to Queen on Saturday night. Yee. :)

Got just under 3hrs sleep before getting up and going home for a baby shower Sunday... Christine looks fantastic for being 8 months preggo. I wasn't feeling too hot for most of the afternoon but it wasn't too terrible. Went home, went to a meeting, came home, sat down for 2 seconds to watch a bit of Legally Blonde and passed right the hell out. Oops...

Thursday, March 17th, 2005

Subject:Luck of the Irish my ass...
Time:3:30 pm.
Mood: depressed.
If today gets any more depressing I'm going to shoot myself.

I feel the weight of the world today... and I have no hormonal excuse. I just feel like ass.

I haven't felt _this_ terrible in a long time. :(

I could say 'let's hope Mamma Mia cheers me up' but I think it's actually making matters worse. I don't really want to go, especially not today. Actually, I'd rather take off my own leg but I suppose that's only a slight exaggeration.

All I want to do is be alone but it's time to go see all of my family now.

I seriously don't know why I'm in any artistic business... the highs are good but they're only mediochre, yet the lows are still as low as you can freakin' get.

I friggin' quit.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

Time:4:53 pm.
Mood: tired.
I keep coming up with these questions that I ask myself... even though I know they mean absolutely nothing and the situation will never occur. I suppose even thinking about an answer is irrellevant but I find it absolutely fascinating the way people think.

Though when I ask these questions to other people I usually get a pretty logical answer or given some reason as to why my question 'wouldn't work'. It's not supposed to work. It's just a question.

I'm actually going to start writing them ... just 'cause. It'll make me fill this up more often. I actually had two today (one this morning) but I'll go with the one I just thought of;

If you had to die by somebody's hand but you had a choice in who it was, who would you choose?

Reason for death -- just 'cause you have to go. Right now (or maybe a week from now).

Friend, enemy, family member, spouse, stranger...

I honestly don't know what I'd pick. Tough. :/

Time:5:09 am.
Mood: productive.
Taking a break... I actually have a peanut butter kit kat upstairs for the week that I haven't even touched yet and it's Wednesday. That is crazy-business...

I don't have a whole lot to say... I just so desperately want to do something other than graphic editing, cutting, pasting and coding for a whole five minutes. I've been at this every waking minute I have...

Welp, I have a lot to cross my fingers for today.

-- I hope the contract goes through.
-- I hope I can get a budget set for April.
-- I hope people start feeling/getting better!
-- I hope the meeting today doesn't pack on too much.
-- I hope I can get access to the other server and upload all the hard work I've crammed.
-- I hope at some point I can have a regular sleeping pattern and stop people hounding, but if A goes through, then that doesn't seem very likely.
-- I hope I can be awake for Survivor and Model tonight! :D

-- And finally, I hope I can write tomorrow saying that most of those happened!

I suppose I can talk about the weekend now since I've mostly gotten over my mistakes... not wholeheartedly but there isn't much point in dwelling over it much longer. I am's who I am's and I ain't perfect ... yet.

SOSOSO! I was a woman on a mission that actually went through! I so desperately wanted to go shopping on Queen and actually not be a pussy and BUY something so that we did -- got up early Saturday and were out by lunch time! Went all over the place and I spent far too much money between Siren and Mis'Behavin' but I think I deserved to just this once. :( IT WAS DUE TIME.

We also had the most delicious drink in the world just before the 30 minute insta-snowman snowstorm from Country Style (of all places)... they have a Coffee Crisp coffee drink and it's friggin' heaven. The smell alone was exciting in itself -- like warm, hot, chocolate-y LOVE.

We eventually went back to Ian's apartment to warm up and dry off -- and after walking for like 7+ hours I was bloody exhausted and lay down for a little while. Got up, got dressed, got gussied up and headed back to Queen... I love queen ok? :( like Coffee Crisp coffee drink! NEED I SAY MORE? Ended up at Savage and I had a terrible time warming up but potentially eventually got there and I had super-fun... though sometimes I think I am far too happy to be there... but I don't really care! :O

I'll exclude the rest and end on a happy note. :D



Monday, March 14th, 2005

Time:2:27 am.
Mood: disappointed.
I had a fantastic weekend that I'd be very happy to talk all about except I ruined it at the last possible chance.

I kick ass.

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Subject:Why I Woke Up Today
Time:10:17 am.
Why I Woke Up Today,
by Michelle Ryan

My bellybutton was itchy. New jewellery = bad.

- fin.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

Subject:yee. :)
Time:5:20 am.
Mood: okay.
I got up at 1:30 this morning after going to bed at 10. Stupid body ...

I kept waking up because I was dreaming of the website I need to get started on. :/ How retarded...

I'm really excited about the site, though. It's going to be a lot of fun I think... and I'm glad to have gotten such an early start today. It's given me a good 6 hours to work on it and then I can give the other place a call in the morning and sort out what needs to be done for that.

Still waiting on another contract... I wonder if they decided to snail mail instead. Hmm...

Again I'm left a little worried with the workload but I should be okay. I GOT OPENCANVAS!!! WOOO! I went to do a little drawing for the person who gave me the working codes but alas, it bugged while I was drawing and I hadn't saved for a long time. :( I went to re-open and try again but I think the file itself is corrupt... it's so strange. I tried playing with another file and it was working fine... I think my cpu is a little messed, or I still need to un-install the older OC. But I'm glad to have it! Sketching is WAY more responsive in this program... I find I still like to do my initial painting in Photoshop then bring it over to OC later. This could prove very useful... just gotta save o o o O F T E N.

I like apple martinis. :) :) I gotta slim down. :( Or accept this 'womany body' but I'd rather not.

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Time:11:50 pm.
Mood: sad.

I'm just so frustrated.

My design is ruined.

I haven't slept more than a nap all week and most of it is for naught, and JUST to ruin this design.

I want to sleep.

Monday, February 28th, 2005

Subject:...Oh my!
Time:5:54 am.
Ok I just have to take a break and say this real quick.

I get home tonight and my bed is made (my mom took my blanket to use when she had the flu and was highly contageous so I guess she washed it, put it back and made it) and on top was a folded shirt that is probably XL, orange, tye died and with a montage of lions on it.

My mom is finally awake and I HAD to ask while I remembered. "Might I ask what is with the Lions on my bed?"

She goes "Oh yeah..." and laughs. My dad just got back from Florida and went in search for something to bring home for me and my sister. He found these shirts and just thought they were so awesome and that my sister and I would REALLY like them! He's very impressed with himself! So I have to make like this is the coolest thing ever and wear it as pyjamas. I asked her what Kaitlin thought of hers (I haven't seen it yet) and apparently she wasn't overly impressed. Awww...!

I just think it's so cute! My dad hasn't brought us anything back since we were littlelittle kids and whiel it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen -- it's frickin' adorable.

Okay, while I'm writing I might as well keep talking. I HAD FILET MIGNON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVEr -- IAN my PIMP of all things wonderful! It was Chucks pick for dinner and it was HIGHLY enjoyable just really freaking expensive. Everyone seemed to have good news. :) The only thing that sucked is I wore "the shoes" ... the ones that every time I wear them I swear never to wear them ever again.

...They're going in the freaking garbage. I have blisters a mile from Tuesday but damn if they don't look good! :( On the way home I literally couldn't walk any more and Ian was kind enough to carry me even despite the double looks that must have caused. Brave fellow, m'boy!

Ok I must get back to my disgusting work load because my online client thinger decided not to download the ONE email I really needed to recieve. 6am sucks. I want to go to sleep.

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

Subject:[ // .deviate,.,+'^'+,.,procrastinate. ]
Time:2:11 am.
Mood: busy.
yes, procrastinate.

Taking a break more or less ... I've been at this all day and it's 2 in the morning. I started at 3 this afternoon though because when I tried to go to sleep last night I could only sleep in 20 minute incriments then wake up feeling absolutely restless with a killer headache. 40 - 60 minutes later I would fall asleep and then wash/rinse/repeat. This went on about 4 times before I finally got to sleep for a couple hours straight. WTF was that about?

My tummy is not better I don't think. :(

Got a load off Saturday night... sososososoooo-o good. I feel purged and clean. :) :) :) <3x50 danielle! Savage kicked ass... though I am happy absolutely anywhere. Just was especially good. :D

Getting through this brochure and it's looking good... at least *I* think so anyhow. Then I have to do some uploads which will take a good hour at least then update my resume and all that fun stuff... good thing I'm only a little tired. :/ I think it's time to make some coffee.

My jamaican chicken expires today so I better HURRY AND EAT IT ALL!


Sunday, February 13th, 2005

Subject:[ 1 ]
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: discontent.
Where to start?

I've been blessed in the sense that I usually have weekends to relax and rejunivate myself to get through another week without making myself crazy.

Things were starting to look better -- I was getting caught up. I even was able to do a few little projects (though unfinished)... One had even backed off because I wasn't able to produce something in the time that they wanted (after I told them it was taking me a bit longer than expected because I was having a hard time working with the photographs ... turns out they hadn't even LOOKED at them and when they finally got around to seeing it -- likely after the new graphic artist complained of the same thing I did -- they decided to come back to me... sigh. The timing just sucks, that's all...)

I had a lot set up for Friday and I was going to wrap a lot of things up. No go -- I woke up a note on the kitchen table from my mom saying she had gone to the hospital ("can't breathe"). I don't even feel like writing the rest right now... mentally friggin' exhausted. She seemed generally okay (rather, MUCH better than Friday) tonight but she's still in emerg and very noticably drugged. Sounds a lot like all the things that come with acid minus half the hallucinegenic properties.

Now my sister is sick with the same thing and has asthma aswell so we may just have a repeat of this for the ending duration of the week. My dad is supposed to go away this week ... What a handfull.

One thing at a time. I just feel like everyone around me is falling apart... family, friends... bleh.

I'm not going to sit here and say that the absence of something makes me realize just 'that much more' how important it is because I've always known it. I don't take much for granted and I appreciate every damn thing that is in my life and is given to me.

Just the words (and I can't believe I'm writing this because I won't even say it out loud) 'she almost didn't make it' really freaking suck. My mom kicks ass and I've never forgotten nor will I ever forget that.

And I don't help a damn thing.
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Monday, February 7th, 2005

Subject:[ //. Help Wanted: <3 ]
Time:10:37 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Very tired. :( Turns out I didn't have to worry so freaking much as I did on the weekend (which really sucks because I would have liked to enjoy it thoroughly instead of the whole 'calm before the storm' business.) ... It's still going to be one helluva long week. I've only been going since 11 this morning and I'm freaking exhausted and ready for bed!!

But how redundant is that? How many times can I possibly say that exact same thing in each and every entry? Goodness...

WEEKEND = LOVE. DANIELLE + STEVE + IAN = LOVE. DECODED FEEDBACK = LOVE. REV = LOVE. DRESS to DANCE = LOVE! Could it get any better? I love life sometimes. Musta shown because I let everything go... and my poor, fragile little mind decided to lose it too. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me but the world was completely tainted (in a good way). No pure thought would carry on for longer than 2 minutes, IF THAT. WTF...? Oh well -- so long as I didn't offend anyone I'm sure it's ok? There is more to me there just... wasn't. Hmm!

Ok let's see... what else can I say in a short amount of time that isn't horribly redundant...

Oh! What is with my mood? Short on tolerance. :( That ain't good... I should be at my prime. I haven't really been fighting it but I haven't completely let myself succumb to it either. I guess I just wish I had more personal time. :/ There are things I want to do but as much as I could possibly clear... I don't think I can this week. That sucks, yo. <--- haha I hate that line yet I use it a lot.


Friday, January 28th, 2005

Subject:Well, it can't get any worse...
Time:4:22 pm.
Mood: sad.

I am staying in bed for the rest of today. :( BAD day. Bad, bad day!

Just a series of tiny little events that eventually got bigger. :/ LETS GO THROUGH THEM so I can feel better K?!

I'm moody to begin with but finally (thank god) on the very tail end. I'm through the 'angry/annoyed' phase and now just sad and pathetic... so today didn't help.

My back / stomach hurts. A LOT. That sucks. No matter how much tylenol I take (double what I should anyhow), it doesn't seem to alleviate anything. Thankfully, I found my heating pad which I haven't gotten to use until now anyhow. But before I could find it I decided to take a hot shower and rinse the dye out of my hair -- didn't help my back at all. I rubbed my face with a towel at one point and ripped a fresh piercing out ... OW. Not literally ripped out but pulled out... still hurt like a motherbitch. So finished up in a cold shower as fast as I could... sat my naked ass down and soaked my face in a cup of hot salt water (air dry is kinda nice, though), got salt in my eye :( Again -- OW. (so we're at 3, now) ... My sister came home so I could check if my hair smelt like vinegar -- it didn't, so I called Fortelli and made an appointment to have my eyebrows ripped off (Ok that is a self-induced OW) ...their latest time was 45 minutes later and since the car was here I said that was fine, I guess... though I have to run to the bank first and deposit my cheques. CAN'T FIND THE BIG ONE! This is bad... very bad because I thought I might have lost it completely on the weekend. I go upstairs to check by the table in the hallway -- pull the basket that is sitting on top of it toward me NOT NOTICING THE BIG FREAKING HAMMER IN FRONT OF IT.........

.....falls right on my toes. I scREAM out and fall to the ground. My sister comes running and i'm fighting back tears at this point. I can't walk, I can't find my much needed cheque, my back is killing me and I have a freaking appointment in 45 minutes. I had half the mind to call them back and tell them I'm not going to make it even though I made it not even 5 minutes prior.

My sister got me an ice pack and I dragged my sorry bum across the floor into the kitchen and called my mom -- she assured me at this point that, well, "at least it can't get any worse" ...

I said to her "I said that BEFORE i dropped a hammer on my foot, eh?"

She laughs.

I said, "I'm not even kidding."

SO THAT IS THE SLOGAN FOR TODAY! I was very afraid to get in the car and drive after all that. :/ Lesson for today, kiddies? It can ALWAYS get worse!

...Mmm, I'm so bubbly and peachy and optimistic. :) :) :) :)

In good news I got Mario sheet music. :(
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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

Subject:MY BUDDY + ME
Time:4:51 pm.
Mood: amused.
I was re-taking product pictures, went to download them and forgot about the pictures I took this weekend!

My life IS exciting! Look! It's me and my buddy Lindsay Lohan! She came over Thursday night and stayed until the weekend. At first I saw her standing in my kitchen and she scared the living crap out of me (not to mention about 16 other times). We knew each other in kindergarten (was she born yet? Perhaps a figment of my imagination at that point) and she was in the area. She needed some help dressing herself (seeing as she doesn't wear much any more -- this isn't because she wants to look sexy, it's really because she doesn't know how)... So I gave her a couple of scarves to wrap around her. I even showed her how to wrap a scarf the 'stylish' way! THANKS IAN YOU METROFAG YOU! <33333 Anyway, to make a long story short, we had green tea and some good times and I took a few pictures before she and I had to depart. (let's try to ignore the fact that I look like ass, we're paying attention to Implant here anyway)

[ Me and Lindsay, Pal-in' around and Posing! ]

[ Lindsay telling me a funny joke and me laughing! ]

There are a few more but since she is apparently famous and someone could come and take these pictures and put them all over magazines, I should just stick to a couple.
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Subject:How boring...
Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: blank.
Yes, how boring. How boring is my life lately. :O

Work. That's it. :(

Do I really want to reflect on figuring out Acrobat and other stupid ass programs? Not really. Am I annoyed or pissed or anything? Not really. I'm happy they're giving me a whole crapassload to do. A little worried that I haven't heard back from the other people but oh well. I've got enough on my plate.

Umm... Apparently I have a healthy heart rate and good blood pressure? That's nice I guess. My sister has had to try it out on people. I don't like the pressure part -- it hurts. :(

My mom took her off one of the pills and apparently it's helping instantly. THANK GOD. I'm having a hard time being empathetic... I've taken every pill in the land and never had some weird outburst like that, ever. I realize we're made up of different chemistries. I just have to remember that she shares the chemistry of my gramma and she was all wonky on pills too... she was also suicidal with actual attempts that landed her in the hospital. I wonder if it skipped my mom? Whether it did or didn't -- she's a super-strong lady... dealing with us all the time let alone everything else in the world and not even flinching.

Monday, January 24th, 2005

Subject:I need many subjects. Like minions!
Time:1:26 pm.
Monday. Monday monday monday.

I was ass tired last night but stayed up 'til 4am working on stuff that was 'urgent' and I wake up today -- nothin'. Argh. I could have completely started the week with a good sleeping pattern.

So my workspace is PIMP! It just gets better all the time. Yay. :) I have to remember to email the wine people and tell them why their 'new idea' won't work. Don't FORGET. They'll probably still go with it anyhow.

Which gives me time to organize all the crap in here. My room looks like a knitting warehouse, it's quite sick. Boxes and boxes, bags and bags, patterns and magazines, papers everywhere... ugh. My real life organizational skills are NIL.

I now have less than a month to do this painting that I haven't started for my mom -- plus 2.5 other personal projects that I wanted to have finished BY NOW. :( The thing that sucks is I probably won't have time until it's all DONE! And being done scares me too. :/

Ok this is boring...

Friday, January 21st, 2005

Time:2:04 am.
Mood: anxious.
I can't see wh i'm typing but i am really bored as i'm sittin ghere with my face in a cup of water and this should pass it.

i have a busy ass day to get through tomorrow -- next week will be even worse, and i imagine after that it'll be too damned quiet.

i actually have a personal project that i REALLY want to do ... but it's a matter of finding time to even start. I still have to do a project for my mom too and i've got under a month to have that done now ... ooh ooh ooh.... : (

I am miss everyone. :(

i don't have anything good to say ... brochure was approved so that's good ... six more pages to go .. rrrah.

i'm scared what to do when this is all done. : (

i really want this virutal life drawing prog ... ! GET TO IT GIRL!

omg is this five minutes over yet ...

how much can i possibly blether about?

i forgot how freaking good MGS1 was... ohmmmm... Twin snakes, definately a good choice of game to remake. Too bad it's for Gamecube but that's what sisters bf's are for. :D yaaay <333333

w00t DONE

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Subject:I truely can make a mess out of anything :O
Time:7:09 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
I haven't written in ages and frankly i'm too exhausted to now either but... I'm too exhausted to work either so procrastinating is easier.

I have so much to freaking do it's insane. :(

THE FUTURE FATHER of my future small country of children EMAILED ME. If anyone cares to clean up the new puddle on the floor -- be my guest.

And just to cleanse a sick mind -- the puddle is ME, DAMNIT. My entirety!


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Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Time:9:27 am.
Mood: crazy.

Omg... I can't take my eyes off him.

Seriously I want to marry this man.

I am on my seventh watch. It is hurting to have to switch windows momentarily.

If you keep hitting CTRL-N you can make him sing in a round and have LOTS OF HIM.

I can't wait for my sister to wake up so we can start fighting over who gets to jump into bed with him first.


...It is far too early to feel like this.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

Time:5:25 am.
Mood: content.
Yes boy... I get in weird headspaces. Enough of that.

I feel refreshed and lethargic. But I feel even better to have had woken up in the MORNING. Kickass.

I had told a lot of people that after the new year things would start to slow down a bit and I could quite possibly be a little more social... now I just don't feel like I have the energy to do so. :P But I'm not going to be lazy ... I realize my biggest downfall is 'starting'. Once I gain momentum then my problem becomes STOPPING. This applies to -everything-. Go figure. :)

I can't wait to start painting again....... I have two pieces that are important that I get done ASAP and then I have all the time in the world to do whichever I wish. I would love to get back to some commissions but I still don't feel like i'm good enough, yet. YET YET.

I also have a good 'base' idea for an acrylic piece but... I need the rest. We'll see.

I know I went on yesterday about how I see no difference in my stuff over the past year .. but it's not true. I actually learned some very valuable tools that will stick forever -- but it'll all come through potentially eventually. P a t i e n c e ...

Okay let's have brekky and then see how much I can get done to this site before 8am. Leddy... Goh!

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

Time:6:18 pm.
Mood: blank.
My sister and I play this fun game where we say every month of the year in a very strange matter.

Hence the subject.... anyway!

It's ALL OVER, is it? The good, the bad and the ugly -- bittersweet, I say. New years weekend was great, though I left my camera at Danielles and I must be patient. :( And I didn't get my super-fantastic dress pic but that just means I have to drag peoples asses out all over again. SORRY GUYS! :)

A little stressed which I'm trying to ignore, but feeling motivated after my freaking session last night. I'm not a writer ... but I got a good entire book read out of it, if anything.

I'm hearing a lot of negativity about 2004, and that's unfortunate. It just seems the general consensus is that it sucked... sad. :( I'd say I did pretty okay. Could I have done better? I don't know -- but I can't change that and I think for what I have and who I am, and so long as it was better than the previous year, can't be doing too terribly. All that I ever ask of myself on a very base level is that I'm 'walking', or moving forward in some sense.

If I were to sit here and list my personal accomplishments it would sound retarded. They're all little things, but I feel like they're progress on the way to a bigger picture. I feel good because I -don't- feel that I have taken any steps backwards, nor stood still (collectively).

Though I'm sad because I've seen no progress in my art work... not a lick. Though I never got worse -- so I can take into account that I didn't just 'get lucky', that there is a consistency in quality but it's still rather shoddy in my opinion. Like someone who is trying too hard, or trying to be something they just can't achieve. I can't help it! I tell that voice to shut up as much as I possibly can and when I speak about myself I try to speak with confidence, but in the back of my head it just keeps saying 'Who are you kidding...'

Though design wise - huge. Again with the bittersweet, because every time I finish something I loathe it and just sit back and think of not so much how much better it could BE, but moreso how much better I COULD HAVE MADE IT.

I also feel like I defend myself way too much... and who am I defending from? Myself. I always feel like I have something to prove, and there's something wrong with that. It's the people that need to keep talking that obviously have something to hide. What am I hiding? The fact that I'm not as high as I'd like to be...?

But that's absurd, right? You are who you are and you can't change that.

Maybe it's a patience issue. I just want to be bETTER... and I want it NOW. Maybe it's a belonging issue as well? Everyone wants to feel like they belong, and I am always in fear that the people around me are going to realize that I'm way too far below them. All it could take is one point of view that really lets the 'undermining' shine... that people stick around because they'll believe what they want to.

If there's one thing I've come up with and believe wholeheartedly, is that we're slaves to manipulation... and the one that holds the most power over manipulation over ourselves is --- ourselves!

OOOOMG where did this rant come from. ;) I'm not miserable, and if things ever came to that point I would have no choice but to deal with it and move on. I think my biggest problem is that I try to disarm a problem before it's even a problem, which -- surprise! CREATES a problem that may never have existed in the first place.

I know there's a hundred people that would read this then bitch slap me across the face (or ass, whatever they prefer) but I realize a lot of it is me being silly -- it's just that bloody voice I need to shut off and I'd rather acknowledge it because, well ...

You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

^^^ --- thank you, Dr. Phil. Hahah...

But it's TRUE!!!

Thinking about what may be to come in the next year actually turns my stomach ill. I'm more afraid than excited... absolutely paralyzed.

I don't know what else to say. I don't even feel like justifying the previous statement, nor neccessarily coming up with a remedy for it right now. Perhaps I need to 'a c k n o w l e d g e' the feeling first instead of half-ignoring it or giving it less seriousness than it actually deserves.

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