vixelyn (vixelyn) wrote,

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May used to be my favourite month -- not any more. I can't wait for it to be over... but I've gotten through the worst of it so far.

This is the first time in a week I've even been able to look at a computer for longer than 2 minutes.

I have a nice list of VERY deep rooted fears I've somehow faced (and in some places slightly overcome) in the span of 2 weeks:

1. Doctors & needles (yes I have piercings, no it doesn't make sense)
2. Dentists (especially when you're not COVERED by ANY insurance... I have $16 to my name and I owe more than I even want to think about.)
3. Throwing up

I've been dealing with exTREME pain for several years... but dealing with excrutiating, mind-numbing pain was easier than facing it. My fear runs so deep they fully recommended that I be knocked complely unconcious -- which in itself I found to be terrifying as well.

Facing doctors (a new one at that) to assure that I was well enough to undergo general, which involved more appointments and needles just to prepare to get my mouth ripped apart. Jeezus :P I actually like my new doctor, though. :) That's good!

But the biggest fear I hold (held) is finding out what is wrong with me. I expect the WORST to the utmost unhealthy proportions. Turns out my teeth weren't half as bad as I thought they were, and not only do I *not* have a life threatening disease -- I'm pretty damned healthy!!! I'm quite low on iron and b12 (which explains a helluva lot of things) but I can have that fixed up and back to normal by the end of the year with 32984 more pills. Sweet deal!!! I won't be as cold any more, should mellow out the stress a little, feeling should return to my extremities, I won't be as lethargic and I'll have higher stamina and be able to breathe again. You mean I coulda fixed all this so long ago relatively painlessly? Man alive... I really am my own worst enemy.

So yes, the surgery wasn't too fun but it wasn't too horrible compared to afterwards. I woke up convulsing and unable to speak, but slowly wrapping up the game of Chuzzle I was playing in my head. ( -- great game!)

The absolute worst part of recovering has been malnutrition and getting absolutely no sleep when I've needed it most. I haven't eaten a meal in almost 6 days and I'm sucking down enough pills to feed an army (heh). I already don't sleep, but for some reason -- pills that are supposed to make you drowsy, keep me awake even more. You'd think a few good doses of perkocet and gravol would knock one out... NOPE!!!

I'm REALLY HUNGRY!!! I was 110lbs last week, I don't even want to know what I am THIS week. :( :(

I also feel extreme guilt when I need to be taken care of. How I'm going to pay my mom and my boyfriend back for putting up with my sorry ass, I have no idea. They took intervals. :) They really went out of their way to know I was looked after at all times.

So, one more dental appointment this week, a weeks worth of work to catch up on (which is about 100 hours to squeeze into a few days) then it's my BIRTHDAY. I would like to erase this one completely. I seriously want nothing more than a card made of construction paper and macaroni.

AND I DID ALL THIS JUST so I could go to Germany next month pain free. The trip has been a blessing -- without it, I'd still be back at square one. Though, I was already in the hole quite a bit before being faced with a $6-$8000 dental bill. Just gotta chip away at it and try to put my life back together over the next while. Though really, I'd really just like to cry a whole lot. :> Won't get me anywhere, though... bleh!

So Wave-Gotik-Treffen is my reward for pulling through, thanks to my godsend of a boyfriend and parents. I just hope I can actually enjoy it instead of feeling guilt upon guiltttt. But I fully plan on enjoying every second of puting my weight back on by eating much sausages and german mcdonalds cocktails!!! Mmmm... Fischmäc! (Adventurous, I know!)

...All in all -- I didn't even throw up. :)
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